Sunday, January 25, 2009

No Coward Soul Is Mine by Bronte



No Coward Soul Is Mine
a poem by Emily Bronte

No coward soul is mine, No trembler in the world's storm-troubled sphere:
I see Heaven's glories shine, And Faith shines equal, arming me from Fear.
O God within my breast, Almighty, ever-present Deity!
Life, that in me has rest, As I, undying Life, have power in Thee!.
Vain are the thousand creeds That move men's hearts: unutterably vain;
Worthless as withered weeds, Or idlest froth amid the boundless main,
To waken doubt in oneHolding so fast by Thy infinity, So surely anchored onThe steadfast rock of Immortality.
With wide-embracing love Thy Spirit animates eternal years,Pervades and broods above,Changes, sustains, dissolves, creates, and rears.
Though earth and moon were gone,
And suns and universes ceased to be,And Thou wert left alone,Every existence would exist in Thee.
There is not room for Death, Nor atom that his might could render void:
Thou -Thou art Being and Breath,
And what Thou art may never be destroyed.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

On Death by John Keats


On Death
By John Keats
Can death be sleep, when life is but a dream, And scenes of bliss pass as a phantom by? The transient pleasures as a vision seem, And yet we think the greatest pain's to die.
How strange it is that man on earth should roam, And lead a life of woe, but not forsake His rugged path; nor dare he view alone His future doom which is but to awake.

Outrunning The Rest


A couple of weekends ago I read on the online version of my hometown newspaper that someone I went to school with while growing up passed away. He wasn't anyone I cared about, just one of the rednecks who gave me a hard time for not being good at sports, which I got a lot of, as if sports means so much that the totality of the person should be judged. That's how it is in Texas anyway.
But anyhow, that brings to about 16 the number of people who have slipped under that I went to school with. That may not be a large number but it seems to be a significant amount. I know of only how some of them died. One when his car failed to negotiate a curve. One from aids. One died in prison after being convicted of double capital murder. One killed himself when police came to get him after he killed someone in a drug deal, ironically, outside my old high school.
But I have survived. With all my troubles (none of which are life threatening) I can still enjoy life, if I'm not to dizzy to get out and do something.
Here is a list of those who didn't make the finish line:
Robert W.
Curvey H.
Dwayne T.
Mike P.
Mark Y.
Mark B.
Paul B.
Vernon H.
Susan C.
Don B. (maybe)
Mark T.
Wyatt O.
Art G.
Jimmy C.
Jimmy C. (different from above)
John K.
Rosemary A.

Sunday, January 18, 2009




Thursday, January 15, 2009

description of life with meniere's

This graphic description of life with meniere's was submitted to a meniere's resource website by an anonymous sufferer.

Patient 4Female, Age 32, 22 year history of symptoms.Life with Meniere's Disease : Before you judge me on one of my good days, you need to understand what one of my bad days is like.
Tinnitus - imagine having a headache caused by a fire alarm ringing or a bee buzzing in your ear continually for a long period of time. You can't hear anything but that fire alarm or bee - It drowns everything else out.
Vertigo - Now imagine yourself as really drunk or with the flu at the same time as the fire alarm is going off. Now imagine that with these two things, you'd be dumb enough to get on one of the super roller coasters that does loop-de-loops or the amusement park rides that spin in two different directions at the same time. I'm not that dumb, but unfortunately I have no choice in feeling these sensations.
During one of these vertigo attacks that can last from several minutes to several hours if not days. I can't keep food or water down, I can't walk, and in order to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, I have to crawl like a baby on my hands and knees. The movement makes me so ill, if I'm able to crawl back to bed, I'm covered in sweat from exhaustion. Otherwise, I keep a pillow and a blanket at the bottom of a linen closet in the bathroom so that I can pass out lying across the bathroom floor. I end up sleeping for days after one of these attacks, only getting out of bed to go to the bathroom or to get something to drink, if I think I can keep it down. I have to call my family to see what day it is when I wake up. That is, if I can hear.
You see, this disease while playing havoc with your balance and equilibrium, also reeks havoc with your hearing. It wouldn't be so bad if the hearing loss was constant and predictable. But no, one day I can hear conversation fairly OK, and the next I can be virtually deaf, then the next day I can hear again. The hearing loss can fluctuate, but is usually progressive, and many with the disease end up severely hard-of-hearing or deaf.
Even on a daily basis, your mind is so confused by the signals its getting from your ears that your balance sucks. You run into things constantly because you can't balance well enough to avoid walking into things, or your mind is telling you the object is a couple of inches from where it really is. I don't know whether to laugh or cry when someone teases me about being such a klutz. I could make the Keystone Cops look graceful.
I also have days that my coordination just doesn't seem to be together. I'm carrying something, and all of the sudden I drop it because my brain seems confused as to whether my hand is really attached to my body. I sometimes miss a step and fall because of the feeling that my legs are not quite part of me and I have to focus on them to realize they are there. Apparently this happens because the part of your brain that recognizes parts of your body as belonging to you is the parietal brain lobe and it sits right above your ear, so if the nerves around your ear are inflamed, it can press on this part of the brain, or send the wrong signals to it (I'm not quite sure which), and you can lose coordination.
Ironically, the few high frequencies I don't seem to have a hearing loss in can sound extremely loud, unbearably so. When a baby cries, an alarm goes off, or a microphone gives off feedback, I'd be willing to climb up a wall to get away if I thought I could make it. This symptom is called recruitment.
The disease also plays tricks on your vision. For some strange reason, the nerve that goes from your inner ear to your brain also controls some of your eye movement. Your eyes can twitch or bounce constantly, making focusing on objects, much less print, extremely difficult at times. Your eyes tend not to be able to "track" movement at the same speed, giving you double vision, and a bad headache.
You can get confused easily and your memory and concentration aren't reliable. It's what some people with the disease refer to as "brain fog". Many of them originally were afraid that they may have a brain tumor or Alzheimer's because it can sometimes gets so bad. Finally they find either a doctor whose very knowledgeable regarding the symptoms, or they happen to ask someone else with the disease, and find that this too is a symptom of this blasted disease.
Now try to imagine living with this disease never knowing when one of these periods of tinnitus, vertigo, hearing loss, double vision, lack of coordination, recruitment, disequilibrium, or "brain fog" is going to hit, or how bad it will be. At least with being drunk or riding an amusement park ride, you know what's causing it, and you can make the choice not to do it again. With this disease, there's very little warning if any for these attacks, you don't know what's causing it, and there's no cure - only devices, surgeries, and some medications that can somewhat help alleviate the symptoms. And some of the surgeries are so radical, you think they came from a horror movie about a mad doctor. My ENT surgeon won't even perform any more surgery on my left side, since I have the disease in both ears. He's concerned about what would happen if my right side became worse than what my left side is now.
Understandably, anxiety and depression seem to go hand-in-hand with Meniere's for many sufferers. We often ask how much worse can this disease get? For some strange reason, doctors aren't very willing to give out worst case scenarios.
Now decide if you think I'd be able to do the same things you do on as punctual and regular of a schedule. For me, there's no way. I'm being up front about my limitations. I try the best I can at living up to my full potential. Could if you were in my shoes? They think now that Van Gogh suffered from this disease, and he cut off his own ear trying to escape it.
Yet on my not-so-bad days I may look like a totally healthy, able-bodied person. You ask me "why can't you bend down - pick it up - lift it - drive - get a job - walk without a cane" Its because I know these things can either bring on an attack - I couldn't do them on a regular schedule because of the symptoms - or if I did do them, I could put myself and others in jeopardy if I should have an attack. You have to realize that with my friendship, love, dedication, and loyalty comes the fact that I can't decide when I'm going to have a bad day, and the more stress I'm under, the more likely I will have a bad day.
So, please don't judge me unless you've been in my shoes."

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Sonshine

Sunshine
by DMAC
In the Morning the Sunshine bathes the stone of his grave,
swathing away the cool dew of the night and the critters of the surrounding wood.
In the noontime the Sunshine nourishes the grass and brings life to the green
that soon will blanket his sanctuary of eternal rest.
And in the evening the Sunshine softens its light to gentle orange,
peeping from behind the surrounding wood to take one last protective glance
of him as he becomes one with God's creation.
And at night the Sunshine bides its time, giving him a nocturne cool, and a symphony
of cricket, froggy and toadie comic relief,
To once again, in the Morning, swath away the morning dew.
While his soul rejoices in the Heavenly realm
With the One True Sonshine that never sets.

composed two days after my dad's funeral

Sunday, January 11, 2009


I stayed home from church today because I felt a big tired and off balance. Good thing because at 11:40 am I was in bed when an attack hit, a small one, I grabbed the sides of the bed and everything visually spun counterclockwise, as is the fashion. I was disappointed because I had been doing so good.
I want to blame it on the stress I went thru yesterday morning after I had lost my wallet and checkbook. I went thru 5 hours of sheer distress turning my apartment and car upside down repeatedly. Finally before noon my neighbor knocked on my door and returned them, she found them under my car in the street. They had fallen out of my pocket as I was coming in at the end of the Friday before.
Also, I had some allergy issues, taken a Zyrtec, allergies and some meds can cause attacks. We are getting 30 degree differentials in the weather. Also I had blown my diet Friday evening with a Taco Bell beef burrito supreme, I'm not supposed to eat that kind of stuff. But sometimes I like to test the disease.
I had another attack after dinner while watching the ballgame. This one was pretty spontaneous, that's when it gets scary.
Well, that's how it goes. I will rest tonight and hope it is better throughout the week.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Turning 50


Yesterday I turned 50. Doesn't feel so bad I guess. Although my body is like 80 in my head I'm still 20. Wish I could turn the clock back and start over, get more accomplished than what I've done. I've wasted so much of my life. I try to compensate more through church but my medical problem hinders even that. Wish I could sing in the choir, but there's always a chance of having an attack in the middle of everything, that would sure show up. Still there's a chance I guess.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard by Gray

Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard by Thomas Gray

The curfew tolls the knell of parting day;
The lowing herd wind slowly o'er the lea;
The ploughman homeward plods his weary way,
And leaves the world to darkness and to me.
Now fades the glimmering landscape on the sight,
And all the air a solemn stillness holds,
Save where the beetle wheels his droning flight,
And drowsy tinklings lull the distant folds;
Save that, from yonder ivy-mantled tower,
The moping owl does to the moon complain
Of such as, wandering near her secret bower,
Molest her ancient solitary reign.
Beneath those rugged elms, that yew-tree's shade
Where heaves the turf in many a mouldering heap,
Each in his narrow cell for ever laid,
The rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep.
The breezy call of incense-breathing morn,
The swallow twittering from the straw-built shed,
The cock's shrill clarion, or the echoing horn,
No more shall rouse them from their lowly bed.
For them no more the blazing hearth shall burn,
Or busy housewife ply her evening care;
No children run to lisp their sire's return,
Or climb his knees the envied kiss to share.
Oft did the harvest to their sickle yield;
Their furrow oft the stubborn glebe has broke;
How jocund did they drive their team afield!
How bowed the woods beneath their sturdy stroke!
Let not ambition mock their useful toil,
Their homely joys, and destiny obscure;
Nor grandeur hear with a disdainful smile
The short and simple annals of the poor.
The boast of heraldry, the pomp of power,
And all that beauty, all that wealth e'er gave,
Awaits alike the inevitable hour:
The paths of glory lead but to the grave.
Nor you, ye proud, impute to these the fault,
If memory o'er their tomb no trophies raise,
Where through the long-drawn aisle and fretted vault
The pealing anthem swells the note of praise.
Can storied urn or animated bust
Back to its mansion call the fleeting breath?
Can honour's voice provoke the silent dust,
Or flattery soothe the dull cold ear of death?
Perhaps in this neglected spot is laid
Some heart once pregnant with celestial fire;
Hands that the rod of empire might have sway'd,
Or waked to ecstasy the living lyre:
But knowledge to their eyes her ample page,
Rich with the spoils of time, did ne'er unroll;
Chill penury repressed their noble rage,
And froze the genial current of the soul.
Full many a gem of purest ray serene
The dark unfathomed caves of ocean bear;
Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air.
Some village Hampden, that with dauntless breast
The little tyrant of his fields withstood,
Some mute inglorious Milton, here may rest,
Some Cromwell, guiltless of his country's blood.
Th' applause of listening senates to command,
The threats of pain and ruin to despise,
To scatter plenty o'er a smiling land,
And read their history in a nation's eyes,
Their lot forbade: nor circumscribed alone
Their growing virtues, but their crimes confined;
Forbade to wade through slaughter to a throne,
And shut the gates of mercy on mankind;
The struggling pangs of conscious truth to hide,
To quench the blushes of ingenuous shame,
Or heap the shrine of luxury and pride
With incense kindled at the Muse's flame.
Far from the madding crowd's ignoble strife
Their sober wishes never learned to stray;
Along the cool sequestered vale of life
They kept the noiseless tenor of their way.
Yet ev'n these bones, from insult to protect,
Some frail memorial still erected nigh,
With uncouth rhymes and shapeless sculpture decked,
Implores the passing tribute of a sigh.
Their name, their years, spelt by the unlettered Muse,
The place of fame and elegy supply;
And many a holy text around she strews,
That teach the rustic moralist to die.
For who, to dumb forgetfulness a prey,
This pleasing anxious being e'er resigned,
Left the warm precincts of the cheerful day,
Nor cast one longing lingering look behind?
On some fond breast the parting soul relies,
Some pious drops the closing eye requires;
Ev'n from the tomb the voice of nature cries,
Ev'n in our ashes live their wonted fires.
For thee, who, mindful of the unhonoured dead,
Dost in these lines their artless tale relate;
If chance, by lonely contemplation led,
Some kindred spirit shall inquire thy fate,
Haply some hoary-headed swain may say:
"Oft have we seen him at the peep of dawn
Brushing with hasty steps the dews away,
To meet the sun upon the upland lawn;
"There, at the foot of yonder nodding beech
That wreathes its old fantastic roots so high,
His listless length at noontide would he stretch,
And pore upon the brook that babbles by.
"Hard by yon wood, now smiling as in scorn,
Muttering his wayward fancies he would rove;
Now drooping, woeful-wan, like one forlorn,
Or crazed with care, or crossed in hopeless love.
"One morn I missed him on the accustomed hill,
Along the heath, and near his favourite tree.
Another came; nor yet beside the rill,
Nor up the lawn, nor at the wood, was he.
"The next with dirges due, in sad array,
Slow through the church-way path we saw him borne,
Approach and read (for thou canst read) the lay
Graved on the stone beneath yon aged thorn."
THE EPITAPH
Here rests his head upon the lap of earth,
A youth to fortune and to fame unknown;
Fair science frowned not on his humble birth,
And melancholy marked him for her own.
Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere;
Heaven did a recompense as largely send:
He gave to misery (all he had) a tear,
He gained from Heaven ('twas all he wished) a friend.
No further seek his merits to disclose,
Or draw his frailties from their dread abode,
(There they alike in trembling hope repose,)
The bosom of his Father and his God.
-- Thomas Gray

Friday, January 2, 2009

FriDDAAYYYY!!!

I'm outta there for the weekend.
I had balance problems today starting at noon. I had an attack, not the bad rotational type we all dread, but I sure had to hang on for a few seconds. Then my balance was shot the rest of the afternoon. Nystagmus, and hard to walk.
I was reminded that, for all the remedies both medical and non-medical, I still am not nor ever will have control over this illness.
But it's Friday. And the markets were up. The Dow went over 250 points. There is hope out there for the economy.
I think once Shrub is out of there, the country will have more confidence to go out and purchase. As long as folks in the country visualizes Shrub in office there will be no confidence to go out and purchase. Obama was not my choice, but a different face will help.
The first black president, also the first president younger than me. OUCH.
Mom fell and broke her hip the other day. Drat. And she was doing so much better after her problems earlier this summer. Now she will have to recupe from something else. It's not a bad break though and she should be up in 6 weeks, maybe.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

about me

Hello I am dmac. I am almost 50 and am a single straight Christian and live hand-to-mouth daily. I work in a small manufacturing business.
I suffer from Meniere's disease, an incurable and "idiosyncratic" illness with (officially) no known cause. Right now I am managing fairly well with it and can function with working and daily life.
I live in a fairly large town in East Texas between Dallas and Shreveport. It is pretty in this town, big enough to know a lot of people but still maintain a private life. There are easy ways to get away from it all here. There is a mall, a church on every corner, and a lot of natural foilage. Yearly events to look forward to. Traffic is a nightmare but I know how to deal.
I will utilize this blog to get my daily life and feelings a bit "out there" so I can share.
More later.